the words that can't be spoken
by AkitoAnemone
Summary: During their first year of high school, Makoto and Haru's class are given a journalling assignment. Makoto takes to writing like an orca to water, and Haru's already been writing from years. From that point on, it's a part of both of them, and it helps them both with the various challenges of growing up and entering adulthood.


"You'll be keeping a journal this year," their teacher said. Haru hadn't bothered to learn her name. It was still the beginning of the school year, but she seemed pretty nice. Haru had expected a high school teacher to be more strict.

Even so, her announcement was met with groans from most of the class just because, well, who wanted to write a journal.

"Calm down, calm down," she said. "It will only be mandatory for a few weeks. During this time, I'll check everyone's once a week. I won't read entire entries, but I will read enough to be able to make sure you're not just writing random words. After that, each week you keep writing, I'll just glance at it and give you an extra point." She picked up a pile of notebooks from behind her desk. "It doesn't need to be that long. Some days you may feel a whole page, and others maybe just a sentence or two. Now if everyday is just a sentence, I'm afraid I can't give you points, but…" Haru tuned her out as a notebook was passed back to him. He flipped through the blank pages.

"Can we include drawings?" Makoto's voice snapped Haru's attention back to the class.

"Of course. It's your journal, include what you want along with your writing."

Kids were still complaining as the bell rang and they poured into the hallway. Finally, when the classroom emptied out, Haru gathered his things, stretched, and followed Makoto into the hall. "I think writing a journal could be fun, don't you, Haru?"

"I don't know," was all Haru said on the subject.

He'd actually been keeping a journal for years. No one knew. Not even Makoto. It was something he'd done since before he could even write, covering paper in a series of doodles that made sense to no one but himself, because he'd seen his grandmother write in her journal every single day.

"I've been doing this since I was fourteen," she'd told him once, and she'd shown him the boxes of old notebooks, pages stained yellow with age and black with ink. Their teacher had been right-Haru often read his grandmother's journals, and there were times when she'd covered five or six pages for one day, and other times when she'd only written a sentence.

Writing was a comfort to him. Not as much so as swimming, but he couldn't always be in the water, so he wrote. About the water, and school, and, if it was a slow day, what he had for lunch. Throughout the years, there were pages he'd bookmarked. When his grandmother died, and when Rin left, to name a couple, and sometimes he'd read those after a long day. Other times, he'd pick a random notebook of his, open to a random page, and read until he got bored. He liked to remember his life, and tried to read at least a few pages a night.

Haru reserved his grandmother's journals for special occasions. He felt they offered him some sort of cryptic advice when he needed it, or comfort when he felt down. His grandmother had told him they were fine to read, encouraging him even-"more life experience," she had told him-so he never felt like he was intruding.

"...So, anyway, I have to watch the twins tomorrow. Do you want to come over?"

Makoto knew he hadn't been listening. Haru could tell by his tone of voice, and always felt bad when he heard it. "Yeah. It's been a while since I've seen them." Of course, Makoto instantly lit up, and Haru felt a bit better. "I can't stay for dinner, though," Haru said, even though he hadn't been invited. The Tachibana's always liked having him over, anyway. "I want to study a bit and take a bath."

"Sure," Makoto said, smiling. "My mom will make lunch for us before she leaves, so come over whenever you want." He headed in the direction of his house, and Haru watched him reach the door before heading to his own.

Haru had been lying about the studying bit, of course. It wasn't like he didn't care if Makoto did find out about the journals-he wouldn't be anything but supportive of Haru's writing habit, but unlike so much else about Haru's life, this was his and his alone. He really didn't like that he'd have to be journalling for school, but that couldn't be helped. At least the teacher wouldn't read it.

After a quick, but filling mackerel dinner, a call from Makoto making sure he didn't want to sleep over, and a long bath, haru got comfy in bed with his new notebook, not caring that his previous one wasn't yet full-half of his box of journals was filled with unfinished ones, because sometimes a certain notebook just didn't feel right-and began to write.

* * *

_Day 1_

_I'm not sure about this._

_It's uncomfortable to even kind of have to share my feelings with people, even though she said she wouldn't read it. It's still not how this is supposed to work._

_I'll do it anyway. I don't like to have to change how I do this, but it's only for a few weeks. I don't need the extra points after that._

_Makoto would disagree with me on that, but that's fine. I'm doing okay._

It got hard to write sometimes, especially, for some reason, about Makoto.

_Makoto's fine, too. I'm going to help watch the twins tomorrow, and that will be fun._

_I'm doing just fine._

_There are more cats outside in the mornings now. Makoto and I like to feed them the leftover fish from breakfast and pet them. I'm thinking that I may take them in when it gets cold, if they stick around that long._

_Makoto would probably tell me that's not a good idea, but he'd be happy with me. He likes those cats so much._

Haru closed his journal with more force than necessary and slid it under his bed. That was enough. He hated writing about Makoto, for whatever reason. It made him feel weird that he was writing so much about his friend, and not a lot about himself. Since it was so hard to express himself openly, Haru only had his written words, and he couldn't lose that. He liked to write like he was writing to his grandma. Positive emotions, and good things about his life. Though he did write about the bad, he wanted to resolve it in writing, too, so he never left his grandma feeling sad.

* * *

Makoto sat at his desk for half an hour before making the first mark in his notebook. He even considered calling Haru to ask if he was having just as much trouble, but figured Haru was in the bath, and probably wouldn't do the journal project at all.

_Today in school, we got journals, and we're supposed to write in them every day for the next few weeks, and, unlike most of the rest of the class, I actually really like this project. I don't think it's going to take much effort, and hopefully it'll help me improve my writing, too._

_I do wonder if Haru's going to do this. It doesn't seem like the sort of thing he likes to do, because it in no way involves water. Not like everything he does involves water, but he's not that good with school work in general, so this might be a bit over the top. I hope he does. I think that it could be something he'd enjoy._

_Oh, there've been more cats around! That little white one I like brought friends! There's an orange one, and a brown one, and a grey and white one. They're all very sweet. I wonder if my mom will let me bring any home when it gets cold out. I really do worry about them...but they're smart. I'm sure they're fine._

_I have to watch the twins tomorrow, and Haru's coming over to help! Sometimes I feel like they love him more than they love me, but I guess that's just because they don't see him as often. They practically bounced to the ceiling when I told them. But they were kind of sad he wasn't staying over tonight. Maybe he will tomorrow. I know he wasn't studying, because he never studies, and we don't really have anything to study for now, so maybe he just wanted some time alone? Oh well, he seemed okay, so I'll just leave it then._

Makoto closed the journal and set it to the side on his desk. He figured that was good enough for a first attempt. It was kind of awkward; he didn't exactly know what to write to himself about. Was he writing to himself? He wasn't writing to the teacher, or his parents, or Haru...But he wasn't really writing to himself, either. This was going to take some getting used to. Maybe it would work better if he did try to write to someone.

* * *

_Day 7_

_She read mine. She said she wouldn't read them, but she read mine, and if she reads this, too, then she'll know I know._

_She took way too long to look at mine, and she even smiled._

_That's not what this is, and I'm probably just not going to turn it in next week. My grade is now her fault._

_I know that's not right. I should just suck it up-not like she's going to tell anyone, and it's not like there's anything to tell but I didn't want to do this in the first place._

_Makoto seemed happy I actually did the work, though. I saw him flip through his journal, and it looked like he wrote more than I did. I'm glad he's taking to journal writing well. I always thought it seemed like a thing he'd like._

_It's almost warm enough to swim. Makoto says it isn't, but it is. I can feel it. I can't wait. The bathtub seems to have gotten so small over the winter, even though I'm pretty sure I haven't grown any more. My clothes all still fit just fine, but I think I'm going to need a few new swimsuits this year. I need to swim more. I need to find a place to swim besides the ocean._

* * *

_Haru looked kind of cold after school today. I wonder if anything happened. I was with him all day, though, and I didn't see him even talk to anyone else. Maybe he's just having an off day? He's coming over later, though, so maybe he'll feel better then._

* * *

"Did she read yours?" Haru asked almost immediately after making himself comfortable in Makoto's room. "She read mine."

"I don't know," Makoto said, looking at Haru like he'd sprouted another few arms. "Is it that big of a deal?"

"She said she wouldn't."

"Well, then she probably didn't," Makoto replied and shrugged. "Maybe she didn't expect you to do it, so she had to read a bit to make sure. I bet that's it." Makoto was smiling at Haru, and for a second, Haru hated it. He was instantly guilty. Hated Makoto's smile?

Haru shook his head and lay down on the bed, done with the conversation. It wasn't far enough into the school year for their teacher to know Haru's work habits yet.

Makoto had just finished setting up a video game. "Eh? Haru? Didn't you want to play?"

Again, Haru shook his head, but held an arm out for a controller anyway. He sat up once he heard the game music start.

The twins were at a sleepover, and playing games was somewhat boring without them arguing and cheering their respective "older brother" on. Haru always won, so without the noise of the twins, the games got old fast.

During the last race, Haru just dropped his controller on the bed and watched Makoto concentrate. He was so far behind that he wouldn't be able to tell Haru had stopped moving until- "Ah! I won! Haru, I-" Makoto's excited smile turned soft as he turned around and saw the controller laying on the opposite end of the bed from Haru. "If you wanted to stop, you could have just said something."

"I wanted you to win." Haru shrugged and handed the controller back to Makoto to put away before laying down once again. He glanced at the clock. Only eight. "I'm going to take a bath."

"Okay, I'll get you some clothes."

Haru felt that a bath was just what he needed to clear his mind. He didn't even know what he was clearing it of. It was just lately he had felt...off. Maybe it was the journalling. Maybe it was the fact that it was still too cold to swim. He wasn't sure.

He was just on edge for one reason or another.

The water curled around his fingers as he ran his hands through the water, and for a second he thought about just sitting there until the water cooled and Makoto came to get him. He was sleepy, though, and Makoto would really scold him if he fell asleep in the tub again. That wouldn't be so bad, falling asleep in the water. He never understood what Makoto thought was bad about it. Whenever he'd done it, he woke up before the water got too cold, and he never sank under; he figured he'd wake up if he did. Still, he didn't want to worry Makoto.

"Haru, are you okay?" Well, Makoto came anyway. He must have been soaking longer than he thought.

"Yeah, almost done." Haru was glad Makoto didn't come in for once. It didn't usually bother him. It never bothered him. Why was he glad?

He sighed and stood up. Makoto wouldn't take a bath, so he emptied the tub, dried off, and changed into Makoto's clothes.

Makoto was writing. "Did you bring your journal, Haru?"

Haru shook his head and lay down on Makoto's bed. It was still too early to sleep, but he couldn't think of anything else to do while Makoto was writing.

* * *

_Haru's not exactly acting different, but I feel like there's something going on with him. I know if I ask he won't say anything, though._

_Maybe it's just the whole atmosphere of high school. Though it's not like there's much more work, and it's pretty much the same people._

_It's probably the weather. I bet he wants to swim. Stay strong, Haru, it's just a few more weeks!_

Makoto looked at this last sentence.

_Are you okay, Haru? I wish I could ask you about this stuff, because we know each other well, but there's a lot we can't talk about. I hope we get better at that as time goes on._

He smiled and looked at Haru on his bed. He must have accidentally fallen asleep; he was snoring softly, and he wasn't in the position he usually slept in. Maybe he'd sleep on the futon instead of on the bed with Haru. Makoto didn't know why, but he felt that would be better that night.

* * *

Haru woke up early the next morning, strangely cold. He wasn't in his own house, but then where was Makoto? He felt around blindly for a moment. Bathroom? No. Once he opened his eyes, he saw Makoto still sound asleep on the futon.

So he could feel it, too.

* * *

Haru didn't turn his journal in the next week, and Makoto scolded him briefly. About half of the class didn't actually do it, but, of course, Makoto didn't care about the rest of the class.

"She'd read it if I turned it in." Was all Haru would say.

"But you did write it?"

Haru stuck another bite of fish in his mouth and ignored Makoto's question. It was warm enough to go swim that day, he thought.

"I think I might keep writing. I think it's good for me," Makoto said, following Haru's gaze toward the just visible ocean. "Should we swim today?"

_Should I go with you to the ocean and watch you swim while I sit in the sand, smiling like everything is okay?_

Haru didn't nod; he didn't need to. Makoto just gave him that smile and turned back to his own lunch. "I'd like to read Haru's journal sometime."

After school, Makoto watched Haru swim. He was made for the water-no, the water was made for him, Makoto thought. Even though months of not swimming, Haru glided through the water like it had been no longer than a few days. Makoto was just watching, but he was never bored watching Haru. Haru wasn't even doing anything exciting, just swimming laps in an imaginary lane, but they were both completely focused. Until it was dark; until Haru was almost completely blue from the not-quite-warm-enough water, he swam. But he seemed calmer, happier, when he got out of the water. His eyes that had become stormy were clearing up, and all Makoto could do was smile as he offered his friend a towel. "Make sure to dry off completely, okay? You don't want to be sick when you can be swimming."

"I know."

* * *

_The ocean welcomed me back today. I feel at home again, now. Everything should go back to normal, right? I don't know what was up with me, with Makoto, but he seemed better, too. The water fixes everything, and I feel like I can depend on it more than anything else._

_But I shouldn't do that, should I. The water helps me, and feels me, and heals me, but I shouldn't depend on it completely. I saw how Makoto was looking at me, and I don't want him feeling left out._

_I need to find somewhere else to swim so I can swim with Makoto, because I definitely won't push him to swim in the ocean._

* * *

_Haru, I think you're okay for a while, right? You can tell me if something's wrong, but I guess I don't listen like the water does. You're in a different place when you're swimming, and even if I'm swimming with you, I feel like I won't be able to reach that place. It scares me, because I don't want you to leave me behind. I'm selfish, right? But at least for now, please don't leave me._


End file.
